validation is poison to a woman's soul
and is proven to be lethal if not addressed properly or in a timely manner
I’m a girl’s girl. Through and through. I have dedicated my writing career to womanhood. I created a Substack with womanhood as my inspiration. I send monthly snail mail to women. I built an entire realm dedicated to the softness, stillness, and slowness every woman should experience.
However, in my time in this space, I have concluded that there is a group of women who are simply out of my reach. Honestly, they’re out of almost everyone’s reach.
They happen to be:
The women who need CONSTANT validation. Those who need to have seen it, heard it, or known it first to feel leveraged. Those who need you to see them and to hear them and to know they’re in the room.
The women who lack personal identity. The ones who are usually so inspired by others that they find themselves imitating the very things they love about the people they are ‘inspired’ by. Those who need to have it because you have it or experience it because you experienced it or go there because you went there or do it because you did it or buy it because you bought it.
The male-centered woman. The one who doesn’t know who she is but knows she was created to be a wife, girlfriend, or casualty of the male population. Their entire personality is based on their romance, marriage, dating life, or lack thereof.
The woman who has adopted the victim mindset (not those who have actually been assaulted or violated in unfathomable ways). The ones who need everyone to know that their lives are just pools of doom and there’s nothing they can do to change it.
I’ve been trying to figure out how and when these mindsets begin to take shape. Somehow, I feel as though they’re all intertwined. As if one personality type can be every woman described above.
It wasn’t until I was preparing to make progress on the book I’m currently writing that it came to me, and I started penning this post instead of the pages of my next novel.
Validation is the underlying factor in every case mentioned. The urge for others’ approval and the measurement of self-worth through others’ opinions and the agreeable nature and the attachment to those who ‘inspire’ you to form an identity that doesn’t belong to you because it worked out for them and the thought that your worth is attached to a role and the need for constant attention and obsequiousness and making someone else your entire world because their presence solidifies your worthiness.
Women wanting to be validated isn’t the issue. Women wanting to be validated who aren’t receptive to rejection (publicly or privately) is. And, unfortunately, the wires are crossed so easily.
Inveterate validation seekers are dangerous people.
Because most will go beyond the norm for credit they believe they deserve.
This is the reason I’m most baffled and stunned that women are part of this group. Our existence is validation.
Women populate the world! Without us, civilization would not exist.
Women are the nurturers of the world. Without our contributions, the world would look like the first apartment of a twenty-year-old boy who doesn’t know his balls from his ass.
Women have supernatural instincts. Without them, everyone would be animals.
Not only is the woman’s body a life hub, but a food bank as well. We could feed a nation in a famine… from our breasts.
Like, GIRL. Putting it very lightly, we are the world! There’s no amount of public or private rejection (big or small) that should make any of us believe otherwise. Yet, women still find themselves on the cusp of what’s morally correct and emotionally validating.
Fake pregnancies.
Marrying men who shouldn’t have even had a chance.
Staying in marriages because it’s part of their identity.
Being the loudest thing in the room.
Bleeding their pockets dry to continue a facade or keep up with someone who isn’t racing.
Creating false narratives.
Showing up online every day and feeling inclined to join every conversation in their community, even if it means lying.
Lying.
Studying what works for someone else so they can duplicate it so hopefully it works for them, too.
Basing their lives on fictional scenarios they’ve created in their heads instead of the facts in front of them.
Catfishing.
Always… Always dating or seeking male attention.
Finding themselves in the hospital constantly, even when nothing is wrong.
Sharing EVERY aspect of their lives on social media.
Always farming for opinions — what are your thoughts? what do you think? where should I? what about this? what do you think of this? did I do this right?
I seen that first. I heard that first. I experienced that first. I knew that first.
After deep diving (because I’m genuinely interested and keep hearing that voice play in my head that says ‘why you act like that?), I’ve learned that those close to validation seekers are those who are affected the most.
Conversations are harder.
Trips (together) are harder.
Girl time is complicated.
FaceTimes are vexing.
Planning is trying.
Text threads are unbearable.
I needed explanations. I always need explanations. Remaining studious keeps my antennas high and my receptors prepared for impact. I spent hours down a rabbit hole to better understand how or why any woman on earth would seek something that is rightfully hers from conception to cooch/c-section to the cemetery.
Linked personality disorders:
Narcissistic personality disorder | a mental health condition characterized by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with NPD possess an exaggerated sense of self-importance and often exploit others to achieve their goals.
Histrionic personality disorder | a mental health condition characterized by a lifelong pattern of pervasive attention-seeking behaviors and exaggerated, superficial emotions. People with HPD are typically uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention and often use dramatic, theatrical, or inappropriately provocative behavior to be noticed.
Both include those who suffer from an anxious attachment style, elevated neuroticism, and unaddressed feelings of low self-worth.
Linked personality/behavioral traits/frameworks:
The Big Five: High Agreeableness and High Neuroticism are major predictors, driving a fear of social rejection and an endless cycle of self-doubt.
Enneagram: Type 2 (The Helper) is strongly characterized by a core need to be needed, seeking validation through constant service and affection.
Attachment Theory: An Anxious Attachment Style leads to an urgent, compulsive need for reassurance from partners or peers to regulate personal emotions.
MBTI (Myers-Briggs): Personality types that utilize Extraverted Feeling (Fe) as a primary or secondary function—such as ESFJs and ENFJs—are highly attuned to external social environments. They naturally look to others to confirm their relational value and impact.
The People Pleaser: A person who constantly alters their behavior, agrees with opinions they don’t hold, or takes on extra burdens just to secure the goodwill and approval of those around them.
Approval-Seeking Personality: A general behavioral description for individuals whose self-esteem is entirely dependent on external praise rather than internal self-worth
To say my heart breaks into pieces for the women who suffer would be an understatement. While their actions aren’t agreeable, their mental framework is saddening.
Again, I wonder when and how this mindset forms. Moreover, how this mindset is addressed and unlearned with time.
Otherwise the reality is…
The success of others can feel like a direct insult to your existence instead of proof that almost anything is possible. One is often scorned. Somehow wondering, why not me? Even if the words never come from their mouths, the thoughts are in the back of their head and force them to act accordingly. Often quietly. This could result in the attempt to acquire leverage. Great measures are taken.
Poison.
Social media will continue stripping those who are chronically online of their independence. And, suddenly, one’s entire world depends on the traction their pictures and posts receive from total strangers. Drastic measures will be a result of the lack of attention one is getting or the lack of attention one feels they deserve.
Poison.
One’s longing for love to feel a sense of completeness or reassurance will force them into relationships that confirm their worthiness yet demeans every other good thing about them, eventually changing them into unrecognizable people.
Poison.
The list could go on for an entire series of articles on this topic, but I’ll rest there. What won’t allow me peace and quiet is the idea that women have to live with this debilitating disease for the rest of their lives. I won’t accept it. I’ve combined practices that I truly believe will help one fight the venom cruising through their veins in order to live longer, happier, and healthier (mentally, physically, and emotionally).
When someone is winning, CLAP.
Without the need to announce your win or past wins. Don’t go searching for a new win. Just allow them to have their moment, even if it stings. You’ll find out that it didn’t actually hurt as bad as you thought it did once the pain of someone else’s moment subsides. But while feeling those big feelings, be sure to sit down and write all about it. Once the dust settles, revisit those pages and see where your heart turned and how you can avoid those feelings again. Because they aren’t okay. They’ll never be okay, and instead of leaving them unaddressed, you must face them head-on to eliminate them eventually.
When someone is talking, LISTEN.
There’s no need to insert your relevancy to the story or your closeness to the victory. You don’t have to attach yourself to every scenario or situation. It is okay not to be involved. It is also okay not to take credit. There are more ways to carry a conversation, and I think it would be helpful to begin a list of ways to do that.
When E is talking about the time she went to New York and met that celebrity. I don’t have to talk about the time I went to New York and met no one. I can listen to her story, and when she’s finished, I can carry the conversation by asking her, “Do you plan on visiting New York again? I enjoyed my time there and would love to make a girls’ trip out of it.”
When they’re online talking about a missed opportunity, I don’t have to comment about scoring the very thing they are sad about missing out on. I can just keep scrolling.
Wait your turn.
Your turn will always come, especially if you’re doing the work. There’s no need to pout if there’s no work ethic behind your desires. You’ll always see someone winning who is trying. You’ll see them losing too. But they’re trying. If you never try, you’ll never have a turn. While waiting, express those feelings in a journal. Revisit it later.
Get a journal.
Most things you tell others or feel the need to post online to garner attention simply need a place to call home. That’s your journal. Your diary.
Stop asking these questions so often.
What do you think?
Do you like it?
How do you feel about this?
Is my outfit okay?
Because as soon as you don’t receive the response you are searching for, your confidence in that thing sinks. Not only shouldn’t you ask these questions too often, but you shouldn’t care about the responses enough to keep asking.
Who cares what they think? Your thoughts are all that matter.
Who cares if they like it? You like it.
Who cares how they feel about it? How do you feel about it is the more important question.
Who cares if your outfit is okay? If you felt good putting it on and looking in the mirror, then you’re good to go.
Stop searching for leverage.
You could be resting, but you’re trying to find a way to leverage the last win she had. Or the last move she made. Or the last dollar she spent. Or the last investment she made. Or the last meal she ate. Or the last trip she took. Or the last country she visited. Or the friend group she has. Or the skincare routine she mentioned. Or the workout class she loves. Or the project she’s working on. Or the post she made. Or the articles she writes. Or the shoes she wore. Or the designer she has. Or the size of her home. Or the decor in her entryway. Or the way she cooks. Or the way she cleans. Or her bedset. Or her closet.
Give it a rest. Instead of thinking about how you can one-up someone you love or a TOTAL stranger, how about you make a list on things you can do to one-up yesterday’s version of you? I think that would help. I think that would give you some healthy competition and always prove to be beneficial. Because every time you gain leverage, you’re a better person.
Stop needing to be first.
It’s okay to do it next. It’s okay to do it last. It’s okay to never do it at all. Rushing into something because you’re afraid someone else will do it first is senseless. Think of it like this— if they do it first, I can learn from their mistakes or get pointers on how to do it better.
Get offline.
Instagram. YouTube. THREADS. Facebook.
It’s attacking your nervous system. It’s putting your mental health at risk. It is distracting you. It is exposing and enhancing your need for attachment, attention, and validation. And it is turning you into someone you don’t recognize.
Dangling steak in front of a hungry, untrained dog is never a good idea. Neither is scrolling!
Take time from social media to clear your head. Seven days. Fourteen days. Twenty-one days. A year.
Get a hobby.
Even if it’s sitting on the porch naming the different bird species you see, and learning about them religiously. Oversaturating your existence with the work, life, and energy of others will keep you in the cycle you are currently in. Solitude helps. Learning yourself helps. Discovering what you love helps. Finding something healthier to dedicate your time and energy to helps. Journaling helps. Learn to knit. Learn to draw. Learn to sew. Do something that is not fueled by validation.
Get good at sucking.
Be okay with sucking at something. Not everything will come to you naturally. Not everything will come to you easily. And, some things won’t come to you at all because they aren’t yours to have or conquer or create. Be okay with that. And when you feel like you aren’t, write about it or make a voicenote about it. Listen later. Read later. Allow those feelings to exist without consuming you.
Seek therapy.
I don’t have to explain. Just go.
Admit when you did that validation-seeking thing.
Self-awareness is key to extracting the poison from your veins. Before you do that thing, say that thing, buy that thing, or go to that place… make sure it’s for you. Make sure it isn’t sparked by your obsession with firsts, befores, attention, and attachment. When it isn’t, then check yourself.
I don’t have to do that.
Why does that make me feel better?
Where is this feeling coming from?
How will that help ME?
Am I doing this for me or to continue the facade?
Is this progressive?
Apologize to those around you and ask for their help.
Apologize and ask those around you to call you out every time you do that thing that makes their relationship with you feel like nails on the chalkboard. This will make the blow easier to handle, because you asked for it. It’ll also keep you self-aware when those habits begin to creep in. This will eliminate bad vibes you cause in conversation. This will keep your friends and family from feeling the heaviness in their chest whenever you do that thing you do. This will keep you accountable. Take note of the moments you feel inclined to do that thing, the moments they mentioned you were doing it, and how different your relationship is while actively trying to avoid the histrionic traits you tend to possess.
Don’t give in to consumerism.
You don’t need it because someone else has it. Let FOMO become the favor of missing out instead of the fear of missing out. What is for you will come to you. Otherwise, keep your money in your pocket.
Give the first and last hour of your day to yourself.
Be okay with being the center of your world. You don’t have to be the center of everyone else’s world. Life doesn’t work like that. So, carve out time of each day to work on yourself.
No scrolling.
No catering to others.
No replying.
No talking to others.
Just you and your thoughts.
Follow/subscribe to more people who are in your league and a few who are where you want to be (very few).
Otherwise, you’re torturing yourself. Being surrounded by those on the same field as you is more suitable for your personality. It helps you become more comfortable with where you are. Having a few reminders on the timeline of where you want to be helps you remember your goal. Surrounding yourself with people who are where you want to be in life is not healthy for those who have been poisoned with validation. It only intensifies the effects of the drug. More then becomes a necessity instead of a desire. You no longer want the life someone else has. You begin to need it. And that will take you five steps backward instead of ten steps forward.
I guess I said all of that to say…
Validation is poisonous to the woman’s soul and has been proven to be lethal if not addressed properly or promptly.
If no one has ever told you, womanhood is all the validation you’ll ever need. You weren’t put on this earth to second-guess yourself or doubt your powers. We are superhuman. We can do the impossible. We can do the unthinkable. Greatness didn’t stop just short of your birth. It’s within you. All you have to do is dig it up and stop burying it under the opinions, attention, and validation of others.
If they put a tester to your head right now, it would light up green. Because you are the real thing, babe. The quicker you understand it, the faster that poison will leave your system and the better the world will be for us all.
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